EDDIE SMALL

I have written a lot of different things for a lot of different publications. Here are some of my favorites:

 

COMEDY:

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New Yorker (contributor, 2019-present)

• Notes from Your Home Inspection

• So You've Decided to Bring a Baby to a Wedding

• Welcome to Our Daughter's First-Birthday Party, Which Is Totally All About Our Daughter!

• Television-Episode Recaps for New Parents

• Apple-Picking Is Fun!

• That's a Tough Age

• It's Such an Easy Drive

• A Few Questions for My Wife's OB-GYN

• A Sibling's Wedding Toast

• Refund Request for the Summer of 2021

• Welcome to Our Microbrewery Tour!

• 2020 Was the Worst Year Ever Because I've Been Trapped in a Cave Since March

• Moving Back Out of Your Parents' Home: Orientation Materials

• So, You're Absolutely Certain You Want A Refund?

• Additional New York City Reopening Phases

• ESPN's Updated Programming Schedule

• My Typical New York Day

• How Music-Festival Posters Look To Me Now

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McSweeney's (contributor, 2018-present)

• A Timeline of My Attempt to Drink a Beer on a Friday Night Before My Toddler Goes to Bed

• Feedback on Short Film Video Call to Grandma and Grandpa

• I Don’t Have Much Interest in Talking to You, But Our Toddlers Just Started Playing Together at This Playground, So I Guess We’re Doing This

• Chicka Chicka Boom Boom: The Action Movie Trailer

• I Will Explain My Book to You As Soon as I Finish Having This Panic Attack

• Holding My Baby Will Not Be a Stressful Experience for You at All

• Starcourt Mall is Closing

• Please Follow These Very Simple Office Refrigerator Rules

• Ten Albums to Listen to Before You Die Tomorrow

• My Main Goal as CEO of This Startup Is to Get Featured in a Documentary About How I Was Conning Everyone

• This Neighborhood Was So Much Cooler Back When I Was 23

• Please Turn This Piece of Long-Form Journalism Into A Screenplay

• Six Honest Takeaways From The Gazette's Massive Investigation Into The Concrete Industry

• A Template for Every Trump Tell-All Book Review

• List: The Hottest Neighborhoods In 2019

• Every Panel Discussion on the Future of Local News

• Why I Am Resigning from My Technology Company and Keeping all the Money

• I Just Realized That I Never Responded to Your Email and You Recently Gained the Ability to Help Advance My Career

• I Can’t Believe This Beloved Neighborhood Café That I Never Went to is Shutting Down

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The Onion (contributor, 2010-present)

• Verizon Customer Just Wants Acknowledgment He's Been Treated Worse Than Any Other Person In Company's History

• Consulting Firm Recommends Keeping Consulting Firm On For Six More Months

• Realtor Emphasizing Neighborhood's Proximity To Much Nicer Neighborhood

• L.A. Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars

• Uber Hires Marketing Firm To Help Decrease Brand Awareness

• Landlord Promises To Figure Out Why Leaky Ceiling Not His Fault

• Boss Wants To Know If You Can Work Late This Year

• Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

• Open-Minded Man Would Be Willing To Look Past Jennifer Lawrence’s Flaws

• OE: If Martin Luther King Were Alive Today, He Would Be Disgusted At How Difficult It Has Become For Public Figures To Quietly Cheat On Their Wives

• ‘NCIS’ To Cease Print Edition

• Prince Fielder Promises To Hit Home Run For Terminally Ill Detroit

• Anthony Weiner Announces Bid For Whatever's Left

• Economists Advise Nation’s Poor To Invent The Next Facebook

• Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

• OE: It Sure Has Been A While Since 'The Tonight Show' Did A Judge Ito Joke

• Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About

• Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create

• Vatican Reverses Stance On Gay Marriage After Meeting Tony And Craig

• Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony

• World War II Hero Cursed Out For Driving Speed Limit

• OE: In My Professional Medical Opinion, Pick At It
   

Points in Case (contributor, 2018-present)

• Tips for Toddlers to Limit Parents' Screen Time

• I Thought I Was Reporting a Simple Story About Pothole Repairs—I Couldn’t Believe I Was Right

• We’d Love to Offer You This Job, but I’m Afraid You Don’t Already Have This Job

• Things I Mistakenly Thought Would Be Helpful During Our Baby’s Delivery Process

• It's So Good to Catch Up Now That My Life Is Finally Going Better Than Yours

• Oh, No, I Just Remembered I Left the Front Door Unlocked and the House on Fire

• Relax, I Was Only Hospitalized Because My Bookie's Hired Goon Shot Me Three Times

• A Message from a Company You Are Somehow Still Receiving Emails from Regarding COVID-19

• Upcoming Disney Live-Action Remakes

• Honest Engagement Cards

• Welcome to Our Cell Phone-Free Restaurant!

• New Monoculture Candidates

• New Employee Handbook for the Public Pool Snack Bar

• Holiday Season Tipping Etiquette for 2018

• Upcoming Hallmark Christmas Movies for the 2018 Season

• Derry, Maine Real Estate Listings

• Want to Not Keep Score at This Game I'm Terrible At?

• An Extremely Helpful and Informative Heat Advisory

• A Voicemail Greeting from a Person Who Hates Voicemails

• It Took Me a While, But I Finally Got Around to Reading the First Six Pages of "Infinite Jest"
   

CollegeHumor (contributor, 2008-2014)

• How to Plan a Weekend Getaway with Friends

• 7 Frontrunners for the 2048 Presidential Election

• If the Rules of Alumni Giving Applied to Other Purchases

• I Think Google Maps Is Starting To Worry About Your Health

• Getting An Extension On Your Final Paper

• Five HUGE Plot Holes in Classic Children's Films

• Whoa! Can You Believe these Wacky Laws are Real?

• Just a Typical Application for a New Apartment

• The Beginner's Guide To Working Out

• Death By Dental Floss

• How It Happened: The Necktie

• Book Story

• The Body Goes To Sleep

• The Body Wakes Up

• The Problem with Posters

• The First Day of Every Class

• G.P.Sass

• Suburban Middle School Fight Club Rules

• Woodstock '09

• The Nightly News for Six-Year-Olds

• Honest Study Abroad Application

• Your Essay, Translated

• What Your Fall Concert Says About Your Concert Committee Chair

• The Founder Of An Early 19th Century College Comes To See How It's Going

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Barnes & Noble Review (contributor, 2010-2013)

• The Twentysomething's Guide to Cooking

• Celebrating Columbus Day

• TV Stages

• If Doctors (and Patients) Were Four Years Old

• Honest Driver's License Test for 16-Year-Olds

• The Graduate: 2010 Edition
   

JOURNALISM:

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Crain's New York Business (senior reporter, 2020-present)

• $115M Chetrit Diamond District deal falls apart after buyer fails to close

• Developer owes $100M on luxury project, construction firm says

• NYCHA closes $25M air-rights deal with Maddd Equities, Joy Construction

• You can read the rest of the articles I've written for Crain's here.

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The Real Deal (reporter, 2017-2020)

• Can’t stop, won’t stop: How the Bronx’s long-awaited hip-hop museum found a home

• Who owns all of New York? An epic, first-ever ranking of the largest property owners in the city

• Meet Brooklyn's Most Prolific Developer

• Cracking the University Real Estate Code

• Bay Watch

• You can read the rest of the articles I've written for The Real Deal here.

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DNAinfo (reporter, 2014-2017)

• Father-Son Yankee Stadium Trip Turned Fatal During Legionnaires' Outbreak

• Teens in Bronx Detention Center Harvest Peppers, Hatch Chickens

• Catholic School Student Banned From Graduation After Saying 'F--- Jesus'

• Pete Rodriguez Glad You Still 'Like It Like That' 50 Years After Hit Song

• South Bronx Is Now the 'Piano District,' Billboard Proclaims

• You can read the rest of the articles I wrote for DNAinfo here.

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The Atlantic (freelance contributor, 2012)

• Did This Really Happen in My Elementary School?

• For Australian Aborigines, the Health Problems of Westernization

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The Wall Street Journal (freelance contributor, 2012)

• Unfinished at the Cathedral

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WNYC (freelance contributor, 2012)

• The Art of Slipping in Some Learning